Solitude

For my free-write topic in class I decided to choose solitude. Being alone is something that many people are afraid of, but I consider myself to be the complete opposite type of person. This is not to say that I am a recluse or a misanthrope, it just means that I occasionally have introverted tendencies. I love being able to be alone and not be bothered by other people. It allows me to relax, collect my thoughts, and enjoy some music. When I was originally thinking about why I chose this topic, I had no clue. I had simply chosen because I knew it was a topic I would be able to easily and consistently write about, because it really is an activity, if you will, that I enjoy. Then, last night, while I was procrastinating severely by playing some Grand Theft Auto V, I had an epiphany. I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be writing about. I was listening to one of my many calming playlists, all of which are crafted for different scenarios; such as being alone, with friends, night-time or daytime, and other specific situations; and I suddenly realized that I wasn't doing anything. In this sandbox game where I can do just about anything I imagine, I was driving around aimlessly, trapped in thought by my music. Then I started (consciously) thinking a little harder. All day long I had been home alone, enjoying watching football and eating non-stop. But when my dad got home it only took me about an hour and a half to get to a point where I just wanted to be alone again. When I left my dad I rationalized it as being tired of football, which wasn't completely untrue because fantasy football was once again driving me up a wall, but I only realized later that I simply wanted to be alone. After I had gone through this conscious train of thought I returned to my playing of Grand Theft Auto V to try to be productive, as contradictory as that statement might sound, there is an underlying truth that I can still be productive while playing Xbox because it is something that I enjoy. But no more than 20 minutes later, I popped out of my day dream to notice that I was, again, driving around aimlessly and had just been lost in my thoughts. I decided to just succumb to this cycle, because the previous night I had not been able to have any solitude, as I had been at a costume party, and it is not normally socially acceptable to not be social at a party and just go hide somewhere and think, besides that would be very strange I wouldn't have enjoyed that anyways. Having some alone time is not me trying to get away from other people, it is when I am already away from other people, and I have enough time to think and wonder to all my heart's desire. So this lack of focus on Grand Theft Auto V was me making up for one night without my typical pre-sleep routine of being lost in thought. The events of this night made me realize that it is only natural for me to want, maybe even crave, solitude each day. This is the only time when I can be left alone to collect my thoughts, reflect on the past few day's events, and have some peaceful relaxation. It almost always involves music of some sort, because the music is what gets the ball rolling for me, and music is such an important part of my life, there is no reason that I shouldn't listen to music when I'm potentially making huge decisions, or maybe simply reflecting on some happy moments.